What if your need for control is actually what's keeping you stuck?
In this revealing episode of The Big Silence, Karena sits down with licensed therapist, YouTuber, and bestselling author Kati Morton to dive into her most personal book yet: Why Do I Keep Doing This? From toxic independence to people-pleasing as manipulation, Kati unpacks the precarious relationship we have with control—and why trying to control what we can't is the root of so much unhappiness. She opens up about her own daddy issues, hyperindependence, and the patterns that kept her dating emotionally unavailable men. Whether you're a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, or someone who can't seem to stop repeating the same mistakes, this conversation will hit home. Hard.
How do you break the toxic patterns that keep you trapped, and learn to let go of what you can't control?
Understanding why we repeat destructive behaviors is the first step toward real change and healthier relationships.
(00:00) Control, Perfectionism & People-Pleasing
● The thread that runs through everything: our relationship with control
● Why control can be both good and bad
● People-pleasing as a form of manipulation
● Why trying to control what's outside your "locus of control" only hurts you and others
(09:24) The Blueprint: Daddy Issues, Emotional Unavailability & Running Away
● Growing up believing "I can only depend on me, I will save myself."
● How childhood patterns shape who you're attracted to as an adult
● Dating emotionally unavailable men
(17:48) Breaking the Pattern: Therapy, Self-Discovery & Learning to Stay
● Figuring out what your "why" is
● The importance of a therapist who challenges you, not just affirms you
● Rewiring your nervous system and learning what safety actually feels like
● Setting boundaries without being controlling or manipulative
● How to tell the difference between protecting yourself and pushing people away
(26:12) Self-Care That Actually Works: Journaling, Movement & Showing Up for Friendships
● Why journaling has been life-changing for Kati's mental health
● The power of morning pages and releasing control over a "perfect timeline"
● Why friendships matter more than we realize
(33:35) YouTube Evolution, AI Therapy & Fighting the Loneliness Epidemic
● Why personal experience changes minds more than DSM criteria
● The problem with AI therapy
● "If a therapist says 'that's interesting,' you know a big whammy is coming"
● Why we need more human connection, especially in a loneliness epidemic
Reconnect with yourself and your community: We start the New Year, New TI-YOU Challenge January 5th in the Tone It Up App. Just download the Tone It Up App at ToneItUp.com/app and we will see you January 5th!
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Guest Resources
● Listen to her podcast: Ask Kati Anything
● Get the book: Why Do I Keep Doing This?
● Listen to Episode 51: How to Start Prioritizing Your Mental Health with Kati Morton, LMFT
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